Suffocated with Thoughts

In hindsight I realize that 3 o’clock in the morning is not the ideal time to post considering I haven’t posted in such a long time, but sometimes the only way I can stop all the thinking is to write it out. It usually stats with just a thought, then the snowball effect take place. I find myself completely overcome with emotions. Who knows if I will even publish this, but I know I won’t feel better if I don’t write something. Lying in bed at the moment I feel just as my title has described. Suffocated. Which sounds like such a terrible word. harsh. cold. I am generally a very happy person, but a person cannot be happy 24/7, although I really wish I could be. I should be sound asleep like mot everyone else I know is, but since I work up a little before 12 after having fallen asleep at close to 10 I have not been able to sleep. I have sufficiently stalked people on facebook, had a twitter conversation, read some of my favorite blogs that I haven’t been keeping up on, read a new workout site, instagramed a million pictures, finished a book, listened to the entire Center Stage soundtrack…twice, and contemplated many things. My brain just refuses to shut off. And if my brain isn’t shutting off that means my emotions are running rampant. I have nothing to complain about, I love my life, my family, my school, my friends, everything I have been given…and yet…I find myself saying, “If only…” Which sitting here typing this on my MacBook Pro makes me feel like a spoiled, snotty brat, but I don’t mean it like that. Consuming my thoughts right now is my family or people involved with my family, a big part of my “if only’s.” My mom, my sister, my brother, my Nana and Papa, Michael, my dad, Katherine, JP, Gram and Gramps, Auntie Kimmie, Devin, Hayden, Mackinzie, Uncle Rick, Uncle Mike, Uncle Jeff, Jakey, Buster. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time tonight thinking about each and everyone of these people. Mostly just praying. Family is family, the holidays are supposed to remind you of that. I feel like as one relationship improves, another suffers. A lot to be contemplating this late at night, or early in the morning depending how you are looking at it. At the risk of exposing the families “dirty laundry” I won’t say anything specific about any particular person, but when I look at certain familial situations I see a bit of a pattern and I can’t help but wonder to myself if I am the only one who sees it. It’s almost as if it is a generational problem with people who are a lot more alike then they think or care to admit. From where I stand I wouldn’t take that negatively as I am sure certain people would if I told them they were similar. Because truth be told a lot of family issues stem from loving each other in the best way that we know how, even if it isn’t the way we want to be loved. The fact that one person can blame a person for a certain act and then be blamed by another for generally the same act. When from my point of view, I see it as blameless, I see the hurt that is stirring, but I see the logic too. The fact that if each person would take their feelings out for just a second and consider the other persons situation, they might realize that their blame is misplaced. There needs to be an understanding of who each person is. You cannot force a person who doesn’t freely express emotion to do so just because it is the way you operate. Think of it in reverse, what if they were asking you to cap all those emotions you are so used to feeling just because they are uncomfortable with your openness? In reality this principle of keeping an open mind and trying to look at things from another’s point of view is instilled in us at a young age and is one of the key parts of interpersonal communication, yet no one successfully does it. As I sit here tonight I am ashamed of some of the things I have said. Just because I don’t agree with how a person is handling something, doesn’t mean I should be bashing them with other family members. I should have been sticking up for them when someone started going after them. I love all my family members because they are family. Nobody deserves to have to deal with the bad-mouthiing from one’s own family. The worst part is even if I don’t agree with how they are acting, I don;t mean half of what I have said, I just said it because I was worked up in the moment with whichever family member I was talking to at the moment. I’m also not saying I have had a personal bash session about each member of my family, just a few inappropriate comments that I will never make again. I know the majority of my family won’t see this and that is ok with me. I actually don’t care of anyone reads this, I feel better typing it. Maybe now I can finally get some sleep.

“If only, my dog hadn’t passed away.”

“If only, my family was still under one roof.”

“If only, I waited patiently.”

“If only, I worked harder.”

“If only, I saved my money better.”

“If only, I had a sense of fashion like my sister and mom.”

“If only, I hadn’t sent that text.”

“If only, I had made that phone call.”

“If only, I had gone for that run.”

“If only, they would get along.”

“If only, he would care.”

“If only, I had studied more.”

“If only, things were bright and bubbly.”

“If only, we were still friends.”

“If only, money did grow on trees.”

“If only, I could make them understand.”

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